Never
by sweetsheart
Summary: Maes always pledged that he would never, ever expose Gracia to the horrors he faced in Ishval, especially not now that they are expecting a child. But some things are out of his control – such as his memories and her profound desire to rid him of his hurt. Maecia.


_Gunfire rings out everywhere – silence is nothing but a distant memory here, get used to it. The dust only hides the carnage for a moment, and wherever you look there is blood, there are bodies and there is no escape. Traumatic? Not for you – you're a soldier, Hughes._

_You know what you have to do – it's your duty to mindlessly kill, but it's disguised as your 'duty,' to the military, to your comrades, to your fellow Amestrians. That's okay with you, isn't it?_

_Whoever you need to kill, whatever you need to destroy, you do it because it's your duty. _

_You see the people. You see the fear in their eyes, the way they tremble – it doesn't matter. You point the barrel at them and you pull the trigger._

_It's easy, Hughes, you know it is. You're trained to do this._

_Ignore their pleas – they don't mean it. They're trying to trick you, they aren't on your side and they need to be dealt with. _

"_Please, mister, don't shoot-"_

_Easy. Simple. Do it without batting an eyelid and we'll make a soldier out of you yet, boy._

_Always remember to keep your mind on the ultimate goal. Forget about all of those outside distractions – you know what I'm talking about, boy._

_That woman of yours doesn't matter an inch in this place. You can always get another. The future isn't important – you need to keep your head in the now or it's going to get blown off. So stop dreaming about your white-picket fence and happy families and get on with the job._

_Show no mercy. Mercy is for the weak – and the losers. We are not losers here because we don't stop until our job is done. _

_You know your job, Hughes._

_Now do it._

With a great gasp, Maes sat bolt upright in the bed. A sheen of cold sweat covered his body and his breathing was shallow and erratic. He found himself trembling, and to make matters worse, six-month pregnant wife stirred beside him.

He never wanted her to see him like this – he never wanted her to know anything of the horrors he faced in Ishval.

"Maes?" she turned over to face him, and he shook his head wildly and stood from the bed. She pulled herself to sit up as he stood, and she reached out for his hand. He abruptly pulled away and she frowned.

"Maes, what is it?" she asked.

"_No. Nothing._" he insisted as he quickly left the room, his breath hitching in his throat, and Gracia was taken aback. Standing from the bed herself, albeit with more effort than it took her husband, she walked into the living room and was met with the bathroom door slamming and locking quickly. She walked to the door, her hand pressed firmly to her back, and standing beside the door she heard him behind it.

"Maes, please…" she murmured, and a shaky voice replied.

"Gracia, just _go._" he insisted, but Gracia stood her ground.

"No. I won't." she stated, and she heard Maes snivel despite himself – he didn't want her to know he was crying. He didn't want to acknowledge it himself.

"Please…" he managed, and Gracia gently wrapped her hand around the door handle.

"I'm not going, Maes." she replied, and her husband sighed exasperatedly.

"Gracia, you can't," he nearly begged, "because I want you to be able to look me in the eyes!" he descended into something vaguely incoherent before a loud sob escaped him, and Gracia exhaled gently.

"Sweetheart. Please." she said in barely a whisper, and she felt the locking mechanism release underneath her hand. Turning the handle and pushing the door open, her eyes flicked to her husband, sitting on the edge of the bathtub with his head in his hands. He shuddered with every shaky breath he took in trying to calm himself.

"Maes…" she whispered, and he did not look up. She walked over to him and, as best she could with her protruding belly, stood in front of him and grasped his shoulders.

"Look at me." she said, and he snivelled for a moment.

"Maes Hughes, you _look_ at me." she demanded, and he stopped for a moment to exhale. His head raised up and his eyes flicked to hers, reddened and teary, and she sighed gently.

"I don't want you to see me like this." he whispered, and Gracia shook her head.

"Don't say that," she pressed her hand to his cheek and wiped the tears that lingered with her thumb, "I'm your wife."

"Exactly," he remarked, "I'm supposed to be strong for you. For our child. And look at me." he blinked up at her and she tipped her head to the side.

"Maes, you are strong. So incredibly strong. But you're _hurting."_ she said, and Maes gave an unsteady breath.

"I can't tell you anything. I _can't._" he mumbled, and Gracia sighed.

"I don't want you to tell me. I want you to let me make you feel better." she stated. Maes brought his hand up to rub at his eyes.

"You don't have to do that. I'll be fine."

"I that why you keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat? Escaping to the bathroom so your wife doesn't see you cry?" Gracia asked, and Maes furrowed his eyebrows.

"Don't." he told her.

"Don't what, Maes? This is _happening._ You saw horrible things-"

"I _did_ the horrible things, Gracia!"

Gracia was taken aback – not at his confession but at his agitation, and she took a step backwards. Maes covered his face with his hand and shook his head.

"Gracia, I-"

"I know you did things. I know horrible things happened which were out of your control. I'm not oblivious, Maes. I don't know exactly what happened, of _course_ I don't." she said, and he looked up, his eyes filled with something between fear and confusion.

"And, despite all that, I looked you in the eyes when you came home. I looked you in the eyes and said yes when you proposed to me and I looked you in the eyes when we got married. I looked you in the eyes when I told you I was pregnant, Maes." Gracia tried desperately not to cry herself.

"Gracia…" Maes whispered, and she crossed her arms.

"When you came back, I knew who you were. I know who you are. And that comes with the things you've seen and done, and I _know_ that. I love _you,_ Maes, and everything that comes with you." she finally managed, and her eyes were so overfull with tears by this point that anything could cause them to spill over.

"I don't want to burden you with any of that, Gracia." he muttered, and Gracia sighed and dropped her hands.

"Well, it came with the deal." she said, and Maes couldn't help but let out a laugh, even if it was tiny.

"You will never be a burden to me. I've been more of a burden to you during this pregnancy than you will ever be to me." she gave a small smile, and Maes shook his head.

"You're not a burden. Not in the least." Maes reassured her, and she wandered over to him again.

"You don't have to tell me anything. But I'm always here for _you, _Maes, whatever you need." she said, and he nodded.

"_Thank you._" he mouthed, and Gracia smiled gently.

"I'm sorry." he said, and Gracia shook her head.

"Don't be sorry." she replied, but her expression changed to one of discomfort for a moment.

"Gracia? Are you okay?" he asked, frantically, and she laughed and nodded, taking his hand and pressing it to her stomach.

"I think we've woken someone up." she smiled, and Maes smiled gently.

"You kick hard, don't you?" he asked, and Gracia cocked an eyebrow.

"Easy for you to say. You aren't the one carrying the little acrobat around all day." she said, and Maes sighed.

"You have to be good for your mama. Because she's very good to me and I'm not all that great sometimes." he said, and Gracia clicked her tongue.

"Maes, don't be stupid." she said, and he shook his head.

"I hope you turn out like your mama. Because she's wonderful." he said, and Gracia sighed.

"Yes, and your papa's an awful charmer." she remarked, and Maes looked up and gave a small laugh. He exhaled gently and stood from the side of the bathtub, gently resting his hands on Gracia's hips.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Gracia asked, and Maes nodded.

"Thanks to you I am." he said, and Gracia rolled her eyes.

"You give me far too much credit." she said, and he shook his head.

"If anything, I don't give you enough." he said, and Gracia smiled.

"I love you." she murmured. Maes smiled widely.

"I love you too. More than I can say." Maes said, and Gracia's smile didn't waver.

"I tend to have that effect on people." she remarked, and Maes laughed.

"You certainly do." he murmured gently.

"And if that ever happens again, please don't go locking yourself in the bathroom." she said, and Maes sighed.

"Alright." he relented, and Gracia gently tipped her head forward, her forehead resting against his chest.

"I can't bear knowing you're upset and not being able to help." she said, and Maes leant down to plant a kiss in her hair.

"I know. I'm sorry." he said, and Gracia looked up.

"I also can't bear another minute of standing here because my feet are really sore." she said, and Maes laughed.

"Alright. Come on. Back to bed." he gently helped her turn around and rested his hand on her back as they left the bathroom.

Maes knew that he would never forget Ishval. But, with Gracia, he knew he had someone who could make the pain go away, someone to rely on throught the good and the bad.

**A/N: I've just decided that I'm on a **_**Dispel all the crap you hear about my FMA OTP that is ridiculous **_**kick right now, and so I started with people never writing them intimately and then there's this – everyone casually avoiding the fact that Maes almost certainly would have had PTSD coming back from Ishval and, it being the early 1900's and all, probably wouldn't have popped down to the local shrink for a chat.**

**Maes would have seen and done awful things in Ishval (if you've seen the fourth FMA:B OVA, you know that he *little spoiler alert* has shot at least one guy in the head) and he came back to Gracia and she would have had to **_**deal with all of his baggage. **_**Maes is a character who seems to have very honest and modern views for someone of his time (see the really honest chat he had about the way guys work with Winry) and yet I don't think he'd want to talk to Gracia about what happened in the war. I don't think it would be because he was afraid of expressing how he felt, but because he didn't want her to have to carry all the junk he was. **_**But, **_**I also think Gracia would be very head-strong and persistent with him (we can't know because Gracia was grossly under-explored, but nevertheless) and would try and coax out and heal as much of her husband as she could.**

**So there's that one down. Also a friendly reminder that we should all ship Maecia to the extreme because they're a pairing you know have definitely had sex at least once which is pretty great in an OTP :3**


End file.
